Finding Shalom

"This is an essay I wrote for a small writers group I belonged to several years ago. I just came across it and wanted to share."

I don’t know when I lost that feeling of “Shalom,” but I know now that the labels I once wore – naïve, gullible, nonchalant – were characteristic of that gradual loss of innocence. I am convinced that I have always been a Child of God, but Satan has worked through people in my life to make me doubt that simple truth. In retrospect, this has also helped convince me that God, with His saints and angels, has consistently and diligently guarded me – when my stubborn will didn’t get in the way.
Many times I was plucked right out of disastrous situations, unscathed and seemingly unaffected by the “near miss.” Once, while driving under the influence of several substances, an angel of the Lord tapped me on the shoulder as if to say, “Hey! Wake up! You’re on the wrong side of the road and there’s an oncoming vehicle.” Another time I was riding around with a girlfriend and some boys that she knew. Soon I found myself in the back seat with one of the boys on top of me, pinning me underneath him. I was unable to breath and I began to fight with all my might to get him off of me. He just thought I was a freak; but I was asthmatic and never could deal with someone smothering me in a confined space. I put myself in that situation and I would have had to accept whatever consequences came of it; but I know God was protecting me in spite of my wayward behavior. If my daddy had caught me in that car, he wouldn’t have been so gracious.
I also think of the many times when I was older – divorced with children – waking up in a stranger’s bed, having hoped to find true love. It was more than luck that steered me out of the path of a rapist or serial killer – it was God’s protection.
These events represented my rebellion against family, civil authorities and God; my absolute contempt for authority of any kind. But in recounting all my despicable behavior, I have been forced to look at the condition of my heart; and I can say more often than not, I was in a self-loathing mode, bitter with disappointment in other people, and not wanting to be part of this…this inhuman race…any longer. It was almost as if I was giving God the finger, blatantly daring Him to go ahead and take me out. Instead, in His infinite mercy and omniscient justice, He let me live. He allowed me to continue in my struggle until I became beaten down by it all. Until, finally – in spite of my stubbornness – I began to recognize the God Man that had been standing in the wings; waiting for me to notice Him. He began to gently draw me to him, persuading me to look harder, dig deeper, seek desperately to find the truest, purest love. It must be unconditional, considering the many times I spit in his eye.
When we get to that place – the day of reckoning – and begin to see that He was there all along, softly and tenderly calling our names; when we begin to fully understand the way Satan will use people, just like us, to create seeds of doubt that more-or-less tell us we are not worthy of love… when we get there, we will be ready to forgive them the same way we hope our own transgressions will be forgiven. The serpent’s cunning will use family, friends, lovers, children and even total strangers to make us feel we are doomed to forever crawl along the ground on our bellies along with him. He wants us to feel that we are unworthy of God’s love. He wants us to feel like he feels; and he will use some crafty and deceptive strategies to convince us, especially through those who are supposed to love us: the ones we love and admire. But he is only able to do that when we are ignorant of the promises of God.
I remember, a long time ago it seems, being a person who always forgave. I was the one who always forgot about transgressions against me. I was the one who apologized first, even though I never felt I had done anything wrong. Then, one day Satan moved in and unpacked his bags. He said to me, “Why are YOU so understanding? Why are YOU the only one who concedes? Why are YOU so forgiving?”
I thought, “You are right! Why AM I the one that’s so understanding? Why do I always concede?” So I stopped trying to understand. I stopped forgiving and forgetting. I began tallying up all the wrongs done to me by others. I also began to justify myself and puff myself up, until one day I began to cry all the time. I had learned to hate everyone. People were so cruel and ignorant and callous and arrogant and judgmental and hateful – particularly, me.
After about five years of this bitterness and deep, dark sadness, I finally sought medical attention. It helped to ease the pain somewhat, but it still didn’t help me understand it. As the pain began to numb under the influence of Prozac, I began to clean house. I broke off my engagement because he wasn’t what I needed, although he was a good man. I stopped looking for a lover altogether. I took to reading God’s Word and seeking His wisdom. Ironically, around the same time, I was diagnosed with breast cancer which required surgery and other therapies. I began attending church services and took part in a Bible Study called Gospel Transformation. All the while, an unfamiliar energy was urging me to learn more; but the more I learned, the more the heat began to rise and the more I struggled with the tension of living in the gap…the gap between my old life and my new awareness. I had no idea how hard it would be to give up my old self. I never considered how deeply that behavior had become engrained in me.
Recently I began to consider Lot’s wife. I think the reason she was turned to a pillar of salt was because she was reluctant to leave the lifestyle she had become so immersed in. She wasn’t sure if she could trust God to provide all the comforts and desires she had become so dependent upon. I realized how I am so much like her. I still pine for the lies and deceptions that once made me feel good. I still feel the allure of the objects of my desire. I still hunger to be accomplished in the eyes of the world and to be respected and recognized for some arbitrary greatness.
But who was I kidding? I never did anything great. I just floundered around, hoping to grab onto someone else’s coattails and ride the wave of fame and fortune along with them. But under the extra weight of responsibility, their ships sunk. It’s so sad to be able to see from this new perspective, how unhealthy and damning my life was before Christ; and it makes me sad for all those who may never come to this realization – all those people who run around, trying to “be somebody,” trying to be their own little gods. It’s hard to give up the self-deception; the toys and trinkets of instant gratification and focus on a God who has been so far removed from our consciousness.
So I try to keep an ear piqued and an eye peeled on those subtle evidences of the Spirit of God, whether in a blazing sunset or a reflection in the orb of a raindrop. I try to stay focused on His glory; not mine. It’s refreshing. It frees me from the pressure of feeling like I need to be “on” all the time. I pray one day – when the veil is lifted and I meet my bridegroom face to face – that I will no longer be a stranger, an orphan or a widow. He will call me by my name – Pearl – the gem that has been formed by the shaping friction of tiny grains of sand; the jewel that lies hidden until it is found. I believe I will find shalom when He finds me. I will meet Him with a pure heart and the soul of a virgin, because that is how His love will have transformed me in that future perfect tense.