“I'm wondering how much different my life would be, if I had spent half of the first of my life on my knees. Cause I'm gonna have to do double-time for the rest of my life. Thank You God, for allowing me to wake up sober again. :)”
That is a direct quote from a distant relative of mine, posted on Facebook this week. It was and is relevant to the chapter we studied last week in our Bible Study of “Becoming a Woman of Purpose,” but it also has relevance for this week’s chapter – God’s sovereignty.
I spent quite a bit of time in devotional this morning. I haven’t been as diligent with it in recent weeks, so it was time to spend some “quality time” with the Lord. And, boy, was it jam-packed with recognition of blessed assurances for me.
Finally, after wading through days of Our Daily Bread, my devotional with Frederick Buechner, and Cynthia Heald’s book, I turned to the Valley of Vision for a prayer. I always just flip open the prayer book to see where it leads me and it just so happened to lead me to page 68, The Cry of a Convicted Sinner. I was particularly convicted by the lines, “I have acted as if I hated Thee, although Thou art love itself; have contrived to tempt Thee to the uttermost, to wear out Thy patience; have lived evilly in word and action.” I thought about the things I shared with the ladies at Wednesday’s Bible study about guilt and shame and the hind-sight ability to see consequences of sin in my life. Then I thought about what cousin Jim wrote on his Facebook page, and I realized that so many of us feel like we should “do” something to “double time” our way back – to make up for lost time. It’s a real balancing act: teetering between basking in the glow of blessed assurance, and gazing over your shoulder into the abyss of the pit from which we were saved. But in realizing that fact - I was hoisted out of the pit into life - makes me (and probably cousin, Jim) want to try to make up for it. That’s when I have to remind myself that there is nothing I can do but be thankful, grateful for having been shown God’s favor… and that’s when I feel His blessed assurance.
I got a call Wednesday night from a woman in Enterprise, Alabama. She was looking for her cousin, Michael, my former lover who is currently homeless on the streets of Jacksonville. Michael has called me a time or two in the past year, wanting to use my couch or some such excuse to get close to me again. I praise God that I have been strong enough to say no. My daughters can’t understand why I can’t “Tell him about himself!” They want me to show him how strong I am by telling him off and throwing the past up in his face…but by God’s grace, I haven’t had the inclination to do that. I truly pity him because his spirit is dead… so why be mean. They get creeped out by things he says, thinking he’s stalking me or something; but I don’t have any fear of that, because I feel God’s shield of protection around me. He helps me be firm, but not unkind. If the man were to ever show up on my doorstep, though, I would definitely call the police.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: It is comforting to know that He has guided my steps throughout my life and when I consider the places I’ve been and the things I’ve seen and done, but most importantly the things he has saved me from, there is no doubt that He has a purpose for me. I can look back in retrospect and name a time or two when I knew that God was with me - even in the pit.
Our Daily Bread for Sunday, Sept. 19th, meditates on 1 Sam. 7:12, “thus far the LORD has helped us.” David McCasland goes on to explain:
“When the people turned from their sin, God gave them victory. In response, Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen, and called its name Ebenezer, saying, ‘Thus far the LORD has helped us.’ “
When we sing, ‘Here I raise my Ebenezer; hither by Thy help I’ve come; and I hope, by Thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home,’ we are reminded that in our times of need we can always turn to God to find forgiveness and help. Whatever we have done, wherever we have wandered, He will receive and restore us by His grace.
So, I have a rock that Natalie brought me back from the Grand Canyon a few years ago; and for some reason I have kept it. I couldn’t throw it away. So I have decided now to keep it on my desk at home, right in front of my face – as my Ebenezer – my visible reminder that only by God’s help have I come safe thus far.
The Cry of a Convicted Sinner
THOU RIGHTEOUS AND HOLY SOVEREIGN,
in whose hand is my life and whose are all my ways,
keep me from fluttering about religion;
fix me firm in it,
for I am irresolute;
my decisions are smoke and vapour,
and I do not glorify Thee,
or behave according to Thy will;
Cut me not off before my thoughts grow to responses,
and the budding of my soul into full flower,
for Thou art forbearing and good, patient and kind.
Save me from myself,
from the artifices and deceits of sin,
from the treachery of my perverse nature,
from denying Thy charge against my offences,
from a life of continual rebellion against Thee,
from wrong principles, views, and ends;
for I know that all my thoughts, affections, desires and pursuits
are alienated from Thee.
I have acted as if I hated Thee, although Thou art love itself;
have contrived to tempt Thee to the uttermost,
to wear out Thy patience;
have lived evilly in word and action.
had I been a prince, I would long ago have crushed such a rebel;
had I been a father, I would long since have rejected my child.
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